AGENT NAME: Butters
AKA: Brian Bodensteiner, Hey’sus H. Khrist, Corporal Cholesterol.
AGE: 33
SEX: Hmmm, well I prefer the woman to be… no, wait. That’s too personal. I’m not answering that.
MODUS OPERANDI: Forms cults under the guise of filming them as “documentaries.” Made the Guinness Book of World Records for the most consecutive views of “The Roast of Flavor Flav” …in one sitting.
BACKGROUND: Agent Butters was raised on dairy. It was a simple life of milking cows and rolling hoops with sticks down dirt roads. It was, indeed, all a boy could ask for, yet it was not enough for Butters. Inside of him, churned a hunger; a hunger for comedy. So at the tender age of 27, Butters left all he had ever known and went on a quest to find “pure comedy.” He bid his parents farewell and began his adventure. He scoured the ends of the county looking for “pure comedy,” but only found prop comics and mimes. Feeling dejected, alone and utterly defeated; Butters set for home. As if by destiny, he overheard a conversation about the “Mecca” of pure comedy, while eavesdropping on people at the bus stop. This Mecca called Swisher had to be what he was looking for. Once again he mounted his trusty steed, Guinevere the Oxen, and headed south to Swisher. Destiny struck again in the form of a freight train that mowed down his beloved Ox. In one mile-long swoop, his dream and only means of conveyance were gone. He was stranded in what is now present day Cedar Rapids. He roamed the streets for weeks, until one day fate brought him to a local watering hole for a drink of Mountain Lightning. Onstage at the bar was a Drew Carey impersonator. From that fateful night improve history was set in motion.
LAST KNOWN LOCATION: In the smile of every mother, in the laugh of every child, and in the cool breeze on a hot summer day. For he is where ever you see him.